Submit pictures, jokes or funny links.
We'll post them here. Just email them. (All "this is a true story" submissions will be
authenticated through Truthorfiction.com and snopes.com) ===========================
Pushing Your Luck!
========================================================
Calgary Street Gangs
GANGS IN CALGARY ,ALBERTA
It's gangs like these that the people of Calgary have to put up with.
A bit different from the problems in other cities.
It proves that every City has its own "unique" gang problems. They roam the streets and yards night and day.
They
hang out in even the best neighborhoods!
.
. . and you CANNOT (legally) stop them.
==================================================================
Old Farmer's Advice:
Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong.
Keep skunks and bankers at a distance.
Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.
A
bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.
Words that soak into your ears are whispered...not
yelled.
Meanness don't jes' happen overnight.
Forgive your enemies; it messes up
their heads.
Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.
It don't take
a very big person to carry a grudge.
You cannot unsay a cruel word.
Every path has a few
puddles.
When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.
Most of the stuff people worry
about ain't never gonna happen anyway.
Don 't judge folks by their relatives.
Remember
that silence is sometimes the best answer.
Live a good, honorable life.. Then when you get older and think
back, you'll enjoy it a second time.
Don 't interfere with somethin' that ain't bothering
you none.
Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a Rain dance.
If you find yourself
in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.
Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.
The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with, watches you from the mirror every mornin'.
Always drink upstream from the herd.
Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes
from bad judgment.
Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back in.
If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around..
Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply.
Speak kindly.
--
Don't pick a fight
with an old man. If he is too old to fight,
he'll just kill you.
======================================
Dave Barry on Electricity
Today's
scientific question is: What in the world is electricity and
where does it go after it leaves the toaster?
Here
is a simple experiment that will teach you an important
electrical lesson: On a cool dry day, scuff your feet along a
carpet,
then reach your hand into a friend's mouth and touch one of his dental
fillings. Did you notice
how your friend twitched violently and cried
out in pain? This teaches one that electricity can be a very powerful
force, but we must never use it to hurt others unless we need to learn
an important lesson about electricity.
It also illustrates how an electrical circuit works. When you scuffed
your feet, you picked up batches of "electrons",
which are very small
objects that carpet manufacturers weave into carpet so that they will
attract dirt. The
electrons travel through your bloodstream and
collect in your finger, where they form a spark that leaps to your
friend's
filling, then travel down to his feet and back into the
carpet, thus completing the circuit.
AMAZING ELECTRONIC
FACT: If you scuffed your feet long enough without
touching anything, you would build up so many electrons that your
finger would explode! But this is nothing to worry about unless you
have carpeting.
Although we modern
persons tend to take our electric lights, radios,
mixers, etc. for granted, hundreds of years ago people did not have
any of these things, which is just as well because there was no place
to plug them in. Then along came the first
Electrical Pioneer,
Benjamin Franklin, who flew a kite in a lightning storm and received a
serious electrical shock.
This proved that lightning was powered by
the same force as carpets, but it also damaged Franklin's brain so
severely
that he started speaking only in incomprehensible maxims,
such as, "A penny saved is a penny earned."
Eventually he had to be
given a job running the post office.
After Franklin came a herd of Electrical Pioneers
whose names have
become part of our electrical terminology: Myron Volt, Mary Louise
Amp, James Watt, Bob Transformer,
etc. These pioneers conducted many
important electrical experiments. Among them, Galvani discovered
(this
is the truth) that when he attached two different kinds of metal
to the leg of a frog, an electrical current developed
and the frog's
leg kicked, even though it was no longer attached to the frog, which
was dead anyway. Galvani's
discovery led to enormous advances in the
field of amphibian medicine. Today, skilled veterinary surgeons can
take a frog that has been seriously injured or killed, implant pieces
of metal in its muscles, and watch it hop back
into the pond --
almost.
But the greatest Electrical Pioneer of them all was Thomas Edison, who
was a
brilliant inventor despite the fact that he had little formal
education and lived in New Jersey. Edison's first
major invention in
1877 was the phonograph, which could soon be found in thousands of
American homes, where it basically
sat until 1923, when the record was
invented. But Edison's greatest achievement came in 1879 when he
invented
the electric company. Edison's design was a brilliant
adaptation of the simple electrical circuit: the electric
company
sends electricity through a wire to a customer, then immediately gets
the electricity back through another
wire, then (this is the brilliant
part) sends it right back to the customer again.
This means that an electric
company can sell a customer the same batch
of electricity thousands of times a day and never get caught, since
very
few customers take the time to examine their electricity closely.
In fact, the last year any new electricity was generated
was 1937.
Today, thanks to men like Edison and Franklin, and frogs like
Galvani's, we receive almost unlimited
benefits from electricity. For
example, in the past decade scientists have developed the laser, an
electronic
appliance so powerful that it can vaporize a bulldozer 2000
yards away, yet so precise that doctors can use it to perform
delicate
operations to the human eyeball, provided they remember to change the
power setting from "Bulldozer"
to "Eyeball."
========================================================
Actual Sign In a Hooters Bar In China
==================================================================
YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN
2008 when...
1. You accidentally enter your password
on the microwave.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards
in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family
of 4.
4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they
don't have e-mail addresses.
6. You pull up in your own driveway and
use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.
7.
Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.
8.
Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now
a cause for panic and you turn around to go and
Get it.
10.
You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.
11.
You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )
12. You're reading
this and nodding and laughing.
13. You are too busy to notice there was
no #9 on this list.
14. You actually scrolled back up to check that there
wasn't a #9 on this list ===================================================
Retirement
================================================================
I don't think these would make it past Workplace Safety and Health
Not sure whether this qualifies as humour but it sure is a reminder of
"The good old days." Can you believe we really paid those prices?
================================================================= Next Season's Opening Act on "Dancing
With The Stars."
========================================================================
======================================================================
Normally we avoid discussing
any advice regarding buying or selling of stocks, but we felt this is important enough to share and warn you since this explosive
situation might prove to be yet another ENRON. Please review any holdings you might have in the
following stocks: Canadian Can, Interprovincial Water, National Gas Company, and Northern Tissue Company.
Due to uncertain market conditions, we advise you to sit tight on your Cnadian Can, hold your Water, and let
go of your Gas. You may be interested to know that Northern Tissue touched a new bottom today, and millions were wiped clean.
It's a tough market out there. Be careful! ==================================================================
Here are some similes and metaphors supposedly handed in
on essay assignments by high school students:
1. Her face was a perfect oval. Like
a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.
2. His thoughts tumbled in his head,
making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.
3. He spoke with the wisdom
that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those
boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar
eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.
4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E.
coli, and he was room - temperature Canadian beef.
5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that
sound a dog makes just before it throws up.
6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
7. He was as tall as a six foot, three inch tree.
8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had
disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM
machine.
9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.
10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.
11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation
in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 PM, instead of 7:30.
12. Her hair glistened in the rain,
like a nose hair after a sneeze.
13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you
fry them in hot grease.
14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy
field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 PM traveling at 55 mph, the other from
Topeka at 4:19 PM at a speed of 35 mph.
15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences
that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.
16. John and Mary had never met. They
were like two hummingbirds that had also never met.
17. He fell for her like his heart were a mob informant,
and she was the East River.
18. Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one
that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.
19. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.
20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law, Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.
21.
The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.
22. He was as lame
as a duck, and not the proverbial lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land
mine or something.
23. The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and extended one slender leg behind her,
like a dog at a fire hydrant.
24. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power
tools.
25. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage
truck backing up.
======================================================================
- Gentle Thoughts for Today--
- Birds of a feather flock
together
… and
crap on your car. - When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle.
It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.
- A penny saved is a government oversight.
- The real art of conversation is
not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
-
- The older
you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.
- The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement
- He who hesitates is probably right.
- Did you ever notice:
The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are " XL."
- If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.
- If you can smile when things
go wrong , you have someone in mind to blame.
- The sole purpose
of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.
- There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example I am sitting here thinking
how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt .
- Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words "The" and "IRS"
together it spells "Theirs."
-
- Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age
and start bragging about it.
- The older we get, the
fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
- Some
people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know "why" I look this way. I've traveled
a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.
- When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.
- You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or
leaks.
-
-
- One of the
many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.
- Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old
is comfortable.
- First you forget names, then you forget faces. Then you forget to pull up your
zipper. It's worse when you forget to pull it down.
- Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today, it's called golf.
I OWE MY MOTHER
1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
'If you're going to kill
each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning.'
2. My mother taught
me RELIGION.
'You
better pray that will come out of the carpet.'
3. My mother taught me a bout TIME TRAVEL.
'If you don't straighten
up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!'
4. My mother taught
me LOGIC.
' Because
I said so, ! that's why.'
5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
'If you fall out of that swing
and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me.'
6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
'Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident.'
7.
My mother taught me IRONY
'Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about.'
8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
'Shut your mouth and eat your supper.'
9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
'Will you look at that dirt
on the back of your neck!'
10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
'You'll sit there until
all that spinach is gone.'
11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
'This room of yours looks
as if a tornado went through it.'
12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
'If I told you once, I've
told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!'
13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
'I
brought you into this world, and I can take you out.'
14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
'Stop acting like your father!'
15. My mother taught
me about ENVY.
'There are millions
of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do.'
16. My mother taught
me about ANTICIPATION.
'Just wait until we
get home.'
17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
'You are going to get it when you get home!'
18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
'If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going
to freeze that way.'
19. My mother taught me ESP.
'Put your
sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?'
20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
'When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come
running to me.'
21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
'If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up.'
22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
'You're just like your father.'
23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
'Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in
a barn?'
24.
My mother taught me WISDOM.
'When you get to be my age, you'll understand.'
25. And my favorite: My mother taught
me about JUSTICE.
'One day you'll have
kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!'
===================================================================
New Speed Control Devices
Quiz: Are the following installations to code?
If so, what code?????
================================
As a service to our members, we provide the following so you
can spruce up those "out of office" automatic email replies. Caution: Some of them may not work well on more serious
customers.
1. I am currently out of the office at a job interview and will reply
to you if I fail to get the position. Please be prepared for my mood.
2. You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the
office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all.
3. Sorry to have missed you, but I'm at the doctor's having my brain and
heart removed so I can be promoted to our management team.
4. I will be unable to delete all the emails you send me until I return
from vacation. Please be patient, and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.
5. Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for
the first 10 words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.
6. The email server is unable to verify your server connection. Your message
has not been delivered. Please restart your computer and try sending again. (The beauty of this is that when you return, you
can see who did this over and over and over...)
7. Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system.
You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.
8. Hi, I'm thinking about what you've just sent me. Please wait by your
PC for my response.
9. I've run away to join a different circus.
10. I will be out of the office for the next two weeks for medical reasons.
When I return, please refer to me as 'Lucille' instead of Steve.
===========================================
click here to see how lucky one person can be.
==============================================
When They Were Young
=================================================
More One-liners
1 .. My husband and I divorced over
religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't .
2 .. I don't suffer from insanity;
I enjoy every minute of it.
3.. Some people are alive only
because it's illegal to kill them.
4.. I used to have a handle on
life, but it broke .
5.. Don't take life too seriously;
No one gets out alive.
6.. You're just jealous because
the voices only talk to me
7.. Beauty is in the eye of the
beer holder .
8.. Earth is the insane asylum
for the universe .
9.. I'm not a complete idiot
-- Some parts are missing.
10. Out of my mind. Back
in five minutes .
11.. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy,
why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
12.. God must love stupid people;
He made so many.
13.. The gene pool could use
a little chlorine.
14.. Consciousness: That annoying
time between naps.
15.. Ever stop to think, and
forget to start again?
16.. Being "over the hill" is
much better than being under it!
17.. Wrinkled Was Not One of
the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up!!!!
18 Procrastinate Now!
19.. I Have a Degree in Liberal
Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?
20.. A hangover is the wrath
of grapes.
21.. A journey of a thousand
miles begins with a cash advance.
22.. Stupidity is not a handicap.
Park elsewhere!
23 ..He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.
24.. A picture is worth a thousand
words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.
25 .. Ham and eggs...A day's
work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
26.. The trouble with life is
there's no background music .
27.. The original point and click
interface was a Smith & Wesson.
28.. I smile because I really
don't know what's going on.
================================
HUMOR FOR LEXOPHILES
I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it
hit me.
Police were called to a day care where
a three-year-old
was resisting a rest.
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was
cut off? He's
all right now.
The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir
Cumference.
The butcher backed up
into the meat grinder and got a
little behind in his work.
To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
When
fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.
The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a
small
medium at large.
A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement.
He became
a hardened criminal.
Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged
with stalking.
We'll
never run out of math teachers because they
always multiply.
When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A.
The
math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He
did a number on it.
The professor discovered that her theory of
earthquakes
was on shaky ground.
The dead batteries were given out free of charge.
If you take a laptop computer
for a run you could jog
your memory.
A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.
A bicycle can't stand
alone; it is two tired.
A will is a dead giveaway.
Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
A
backward poet writes inverse.
In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism,
it's your Count that votes.
A
chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.
If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.
With her
marriage she got a new name and a dress.
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show
you A-flat miner.
When
a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully
recovered.
A
grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France, resulted
in Linoleum Blownapart.
You are stuck with your debt if you
can't budge it.
Local Area Network in Australia: The LAN down under.
He broke into song because he couldn't
find the key.
A calendar's days are numbered.
A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine.
A
boiled egg is hard to beat.
He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
A plateau is a high form
of flattery.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in
the end.
When you've seen one shopping
center you've seen a mall.
If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.
When she saw her first strands
of gray hair, she
thought she'd dye.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
Santa's
helpers are subordinate clauses.
Acupuncture: a jab well done.
==============================================
Now that I'm 'older' (but refuse to grow up), here's
what I've discovered.......
ONE - I started out with
nothing, and I still have
TWO - My wild oats have turned
into prunes and ALL
THREE - I finally got my
head together; now my body
FOUR - Funny, I don't remember
being absent
FIVE - All reports are in;
life is now officially unfair.
SIX - If all is not lost,
where is it?
SEVEN- It is easier to get
older than it is to get
EIGHT - Some days you're
the dog; some days you're
NINE - I wish the buck stopped
here; I sure could
TEN - Kids in the back seat
cause accidents.
ELEVEN - Accidents in the
back seat cause kids :)
TWELVE - It's hard to make
a come back when you
THIRTEEN- The only time the
world beats a path to
your door is when you're
in the bathroom.
FOURTEEN- If God wanted me
to touch my toes, he
would have put them on my
knees.
FIFTEEN- When I'm finally
holding all the cards, why does everyone decide to play chess?
SIXTEEN- It's not hard to
meet expenses..... they're everywhere...
SEVENTEEN- The only difference
between a rut and a grave is the depth.
EIGHTEEN- These days, I spend
a lot of time thinking about the hereafter...I go somewhere to get
something and then wonder
what I'm here after
NINETEEN- I AM UNABLE TO
REMEMBER IF I HAVE POSTED THIS ON THE WEBSITE BEFORE OR NOT.
==================================================
World's Worst Parking Jobs
==================================================
================================================
I don't know whether this comes under the heading of Humour
or Moronic. Oh well . . .
============================================
Okay you old rockers, let's see how sharp you still are.
The answers below.
1. When did "Little Suzie" finally wake up?
a) The movie's over, it's 2 o'clock
b)
The movie's over, it's 3 o'clock
c) The movie's over, it's 4 o'clock
2. "Rock Around The Clock"
was used in what movie?
a) Rebel Without A Cause
b) Blackboard Jungle ngle
c) The Wild Ones
3. What's missing?_____Baby, Earth_____, _____On My Shoulder Love
a) Angel
b) Head
4. "I found my thrill..." where?
a) Kansas City
b) Heartbreak Hotel
c) Blueberry Hill
5. "Please turn on your magic beam, _____ _____ bring me a dream"
a) Mr. Sandman
b) Earth Angel
c) Dream Lover
6. For w h ich label did Elvis Presley first record?
a) Chancellor
b) RCA
c) Sun
7. He asked, "Why's everybody always pickin' on me?" Who
was he?
a) Bad Bad Leroy Brown
b) Charlie Brown
c) Buster Brown
8. Bobby Darin's "Mack The Knife", the one with
the knife, was named:
a) Mac Heath
b) Mac Cloud
c) McNamara
9. Name
the song with "A-wop bop a-loo bop a-lop bam boom"?
a) Good Golly M is s Molly
b) Be-Bo p-A-Lula
c) Tutti Fruitti
10. Who is generally given credit for the term "Rock And Roll"?
a) Dick Clark
b) Wolfman Jack
c) Alan Freed
11. In 1957, he left the music business to become a preacher.
a) Little Richard
b) Frankie Lymon
c) Tony Orlando
12. Paul Anka's "Puppy Love" is
written to what star?
a) Brenda Lee
b) Connie Francis
c) Annette Funicello
13.
The Everly Brothers are...
a) Pete and Dick
b) Don and Phil
c) Bob and Bill
14.
The Big Bopper's real name was:
a) Jiles P. Richardson
b) Roy Harold Scherer Jr.
c) Marion Michael Morrison
15. In 1959, Berry Gordy Jr. started a small record company called...
a)
Decca
b) Cameo
c) Motown
16. Edd Brynes ha d a hit wi th "Kookie, Kookie, Lend Me Your
Comb.".What TV show was he on?
a) 77 Sunset Strip
b) Hawaiian Eye
c) Surfside
Six
17. In 1960 Bobby Darin married:
a) Carol Lynley
b) Sandra Dee
c) Natalie Wood
18. They were a one hit wonder with "Book Of Love."
a) The Penguins
b) The Monotones
c) The Moonglows
ANSWERS:
1. c) The movie's over, it's 4 o'clock
2. b) Blackboard Jungle
3. a) Angel
4.
c) Blueberry Hil l
5. a) Mr. Sandman
6. c) Sun
7. b) Charlie Brown
8. a) MacHeath
9. c) Tutti Fruitti
10.
c) Alan Freed
11. a) Little Richard
12. c) Annette Funicello
13. b) Don and Phil
14. a) Jiles P. Richardson
15.
c) Motown
16. a) 77 Sunset Strip
17. b) Sandra Dee
18. b) The Monotones
Here are some tips for investing those big bucks this year. I
went over
them with my broker at Edward Jones and he and I like these.
Pony up on
the bucks and get ready to drag some real dollars into your back
pocket.
These are the next expected mergers so that you can get in on
the ground
floor.
Watch for these consolidations .
1.) Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush,
and W.
R.Grace Co. Will merge and become: Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.
2.) Polygram Records, Warner Bros., and Zesta Crackers join forces
and
become: Poly, Warner Cracker
3.) 3M will merge with Goodyear and become: MMMGood.
4). Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining
will
merge and become: ZipAudiDoDa.
5). FedEx is expected to join its competitor, UPS, and become:
FedUP.
6). Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become:
Fairwell
Honeychild.
7). Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become: Poupon
Pants.
8). Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women
will
become: Knott NOW!
And finally ....
9. Victoria 's Secret and Smith & Wesson will merge under
the new name:
Titty Titty Bang Bang.
=========================================================
I OWE MY MOTHER
1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE .
'If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished
cleaning.'
2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
'You better pray that will come out of the carpet.'
3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
'If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!'
4. My mother taught me LOGIC .
' Because I said so, that's why.'
5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
'If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me.'
6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
'Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident.'
7. My mother taught me IRONY.
'Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about.'
8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
'Shut your mouth and eat your supper.'
9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
'Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!'
10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
'You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone.'
11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
'This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.'
12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
'If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!'
13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE .
'I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.'
14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
'Stop acting like your father!'
15. My mother taught me about ENVY .
'There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do.'
16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
'Just wait until we get home.'
17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
'You are going to get it when you get home!'
18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
'If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way.'
19. My mother taught me ESP.
'Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?'
20. My mother taught me HUMOUR.
'When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me.'
21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
'If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up.'
22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
'You're just like your father.'
23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
'Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?'
24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
'When you get to be my age, you'll understand.'
25. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
'One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you
==================================================
HUMOR FOR LEXOPHILES (LOVERS OF WORDS):
I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit
me.
Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was resisting
a rest.
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off?
He's all right now.
The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
The butcher backed up into the meat grinder and got a little behind
in his work.
To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.
The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium
at large.
A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement. He became a hardened criminal.
Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking.
We'll never run out of math teachers because they always multiply.
When the smog lifts in Los Angeles , U.C.L.A.
The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did a number
on it.
The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.
The dead batteries were given out free of charge.
If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.
A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.
A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.
A will is a dead giveaway.
Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
A backward poet writes inverse.
In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your
Count that votes.
A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.
If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat
miner.
When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.
A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France , resulted in Linoleum Blownapart.
You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
A calendar's days are numbered.
A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine.
A boiled egg is hard to beat.
He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the
end.
When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.
If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine .
When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
Acupuncture: a jab well done.
=========================================================
This is an actual Vikings Ticket.
Don't take your guns to town.
===============================================
Goofy Domain Names
These are not made up. Check them out yourself! Read the web-site names
closely!
1. "Who Represents" is where you can find the name of the
agent that represents any celebrity. Their Web site is www.whorepresents.com
2 . Experts Exchange is a knowledge base
where programmers can exchange advice and views at
www.expertsexchange.com
3. Looking for a pen? Look no further than
Pen Island at www.penisland.net
4. Need a therapist? Try Therapist Finder
at www.therapistfinder.com
5. There's the Italian Power Generator company,
www.powergenitalia.com
6. And don't forget the Mole Station Native
Nursery in New South Wales ,
www.molestationnursery.com
7. If you're looking for IP computer software,
there's always www.ipanywhere.com
8.
And the designers at Speed of Art await you at their wacky Web site www.speedofart.com
============================================================
Original Hollywood Squares
Younger people won't remember the 'original' Hollywood Squares, but
we oldsters remember them fondly.
Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions.
_____
Q. Do female
frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde : If you hold their little heads under water long enough.
_____
Q. If you're
going to make a parachute jump, At least how high should you be?
A. Charley Weaver (aka Cliff Arquette ): Three days of
steady drinking should do it.
_____
Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel:
Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.
_____
Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably
a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts : That's what's been keeping Me awake.
_____
Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if
you meet a Stranger at a party and you think that he's attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A.
Rose Marie : No; wait until morning.
_____
Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three Words to say 'I Love
You'?
A. Vincent Price : No, you can say it with a Pineapple and a twenty.
_____
Q. What are ......'Do
It'...... 'I Can Help,'...... and 'I Can't Get
Enough'?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming
from the next apartment.
_____
Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while
talking?
A. Rose Marie : You ask me one more growing 'old' question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll
never forget.
_____
Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde : Because chiffon wrinkles too
easily.
_____
Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during
the first year?
A. Charley Weaver : Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.
_____
Q. In
bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie : Ralph, the pin boy.
_____
Q. It is considered
in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde : Tape
measures.
_____
Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie
: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.
_____
Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A.
Marty Allen : Only after lights out.
_____
Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will
a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde : Make him bark?
_____
Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would
you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde : Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.
_____
Q.
According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley
Weaver : It got me out of the army.
_____
Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is
it?
A. Paul Lynde : Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.
_____
Q. Back in the old
days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in
his mouth.
_____
Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A.
Paul Lynde : Who told you about my elephant?
_____
Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its
sex?
A. Charley Weaver : I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.
_____
Q. Jackie
Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A.
Charley Weaver : His feet.
_____
Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A.
Paul Lynde : Point and laugh.
==================================================
A set of rules for managers from an employee:
1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4:00 and then bring it to me. The challenge
of a deadline is refreshing.
2. If it's really a rush job, run in and interrupt me every
10 minutes to inquire
how it's going. That helps. Even
better, hover behind me, and advise me at every keystroke.
3. Always leave
without telling anyone where you're going. It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where you are.
4.
If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books, or supplies, don't open the door for me. I need to learn how to function
as a paraplegic and opening doors with no arms is good training in case I should ever be injured and lose all use of my limbs.
5.
If you give me more than one job to do, don't tell me
which is priority. I am psychic.
6. Do your best to
keep me late. I adore this office and
really have nowhere to go or anything to do. I have no life beyond work.
7.
If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. If that gets
out, it could mean a promotion.
8. If you don't
like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in conversations. I was born to be whipped.
9. If you
have special instructions for a job, don't write
them down. In fact, save them until the job is almost done. No use
confusing me with useful information.
10. Never introduce me to the people you're with. I have no right to know
anything. In the corporate food chain, I am plankton. When you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.
11.
Be nice to me only when the job I'm doing for you could really change your life and send you straight to manager's hell.
12.
Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any
and it's nice to know someone is less fortunate. I especially like
the story about having to pay so many taxes on the bonus check you received for being such a good manager.
13.
Wait until my yearly review and THEN tell me what my goals SHOULD have been. Give me a mediocre performance rating with a
cost of living increase. I'm not here for the money anyway.
=============================================================
From the newspapers . . .
Plot to kill officer had vicious side—The Chicago Tribune,
September 20
Some phone psychics provide useless, erroneous information—Staten
Island Sunday Advance, September 15
Iowa move back to Pittsburgh—The Flint Journal, August 15
Infertility unlikely to be passed on—Montgomery Advertiser,
May 11
Study Finds Sex, Pregnancy Link—Cornell Daily Sun, December
7, 1995
Whatever Their motives, Moms Who Kill Kids still Shock Us—Holland
Sentinal, date unknown. (Sent to me by Steven Hansen.)
Survey Finds Dirtier Subways After Cleaning Jobs Were Cut—The
New York Times, November 22
Larger Kangaroos Leap Farther, Researchers Find—The Los Angeles
Times, November 2
`Light’ meals are lower in fat, calories—Huntington Herald-Dispatch,
November 30
Alcohol ads promote drinking—The Hartford Courant, November
18
Malls try to attract shoppers—The Baltimore Sun, October 22
Official: Only rain will cure drought—The Herald-News, Westpost,
Massachusetts
Teen-age girls often have babies fathered by men—The Sunday
Oregonian, September 24
Low Wages Said Key to Poverty—Newsday, July 11
Man shoots neighbor with machete—The Miami Herald, July 3
Tomatoes come in big, little, medium sizes—The Daily Progress,
Charlottesville, Virginia, March 30
Dirty-Air Cities Far Deadlier Than Clean Ones, Study Shows—The
New York Times, March 10
Man Run Over by Freight Train Dies—The Los Angeles Times, March
2
Scientists see quakes in L.A. future—The Oregonian, January
28
Wachtler tells graduates that life in jail is demeaning—The
Buffalo News, February 26
Free Advice: Bundle up when out in the cold—Lexington Herald-Leader,
January 26
Prosecution paints O.J. as a wife-killer—Fort Lauderdale Sun-Sentinel,
January 25
Economist uses theory to explain economy—Collinsville Herald-Journal,
February 8
Bible church’s focus is the Bible—Saint Augustine Record,
Florida, December 3, 1994
Clinton pledges restraint in use of nuclear weapons—Cedar Rapids
Gazette, April 6
Discoveries: Older blacks have edge in longevity—The Chicago
Tribune, March 5
Court Rules Boxer Shorts Are Indeed Underwear—Journal of Commerce,
April 20
Biting nails can be sign of tenseness in a person—The Daily
Gazette of Schenectady, New York, May 2
Lack of brains hinders research—The Columbus Dispatch, April
16
Cement Supplies seen as adequate—The Bangkok Post, January
28
How we feel about ourselves is the core of self-esteem, says author
Louise Hart—Boulder, Colorado, Sunday Camera, February 5
Fish lurk in streams—Rochester, New York, Democrat & Chronicle,
January 29
========================================================
|
| The M.E.L. office manager working on a collection call |
=====================================================
IRISH MEDICAL DICTIONARY
ARTERY - - - - - - - - - The Study of Paintings
BACTERIA - -
- - - - Rear entrance to a Cafeteria
BARIUM - - - What Doctors Do When Patients Die
BOWEL
- - - - - A Letter Like A. E. I. 0 or U.
CAESARIAN SECTION - - - A Neighbourhood in Rome
CAT SCAN - - -
- - - - - - Searching for Kitty
CAUTERISE - - --- - - Made Eye-Contact With Her
COMA - - - -
- - - - - - - - A Punctuation Mark
D & C - - - - - - - - - - - Where Washington Is
DILATE
- - - - - - - - - - - - - To Live Longer
ENEMA - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Not A Friend
FESTER
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Quicker
FIBULA - - - - - - - - - - - - - - A Small Lie
GENITAL
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Not A Jew
G. I. SERIES - - - - - - - - - - Army Ballgames
HANGNAIL
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - Coat Hook
IMPOTENT - - - - - - Distinguished, Well-Known
LABOUR
PAIN - - - - - - - Getting Hurt At Work
MEDICAL STAFF - - - - - - - - - - Doctors Cane
MORBID
- - - - - - - - --- - - - A Higher Offer
NITRATES - - - - - - - - Cheaper Than Day Rates
NODE
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Was Aware Of
OUTPATIENT - - - - - - A Person Who Has Fainted
PAP SMEAR
- - - - - - - - - - A Fatherhood Test
PELVIS - - - - - - - - - - - A Cousin To Elvis
RECOVERY
ROOM - - - - - Place To Do Upholstery
RECTUM - - - - - - - - - Bloody Near Killed Them
SECRETION
- - - - - - - - - - Hiding Something
SEIZURE - - - - - - - - - - - - - Roman Emperor
TABLET
- - - - - - - - - - - - - A Small Table
TERMINAL ILLNESS - - Getting Sick At The Airport
TUMOUR
- - - - - - - - - - - - - More Than One
URINE - - - - - - - - - Opposite Of Youre Out
VARICOSE
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Nearby
VEIN - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Conceited
=========================================================
Spelling, Chequer Nose Best
I have a spelling chequer
It came with my pee see
It plainly marques four my revue
Miss takes I cannot sea
Ive run this poem threw it
Im shore yaw pleased to no
Its letter perfect in its weigh
My chequer told me sew
Witch demonstrates that ewe cannot
always auto mate every thing and that wee
rely on those language skills we were
tort
at school to proof reed yore mess ages
==================================================
GOTTA LOVE LITTLE BOYS
Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of
tampons and proceeded
to the checkout counter.
The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?"
"Eight," the boy replied.
The man continued, "Do you know what these are used for?"
The boy replied, "Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for
him.
He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these you
would be able to
swim and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do either one."
==============================================
Murphy's Other Laws
1. Light travels faster than
sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
2. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is
a fine for doing well.
3. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
4. A day without sunshine is like, well, night.
5.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
6. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
7.
Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
8. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting
something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
9. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the
world end-to-end,
someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them.
10. If the shoe fits, get another one just
like it.
11. The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.
12.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.
13.
Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.
14. The shin bone is a device for finding furniture.
15. When
you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
|
A young businessman had just
started his own firm. He rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques. Sitting there, he saw a man come into
the outer office. Wishing to appear the hot shot, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big
deal working.
He threw huge figures around and
made giant commitments. Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, "Can I help you?"
The man said, "Yeah, I've come
to activate your phone lines." |
=======================================================
|
